Monday, January 25, 2010

Déjà vu

I glady crawled in bed, relieved that the day had finally ended. My alarm clock said it was already 11 and I groaned in disbelief. I had sworn to myself that I would get to bed early that night, but that never worked. The day had been rough, just like every single day in the past few months. When my sophomore year started I had been elated, planning everything with my three best friends: Katie, Grace, and Megan. We had been inseparable, four girls practically joined at the hip. We promised each other that we would stay together forever, a tear ran down my cheek just thinking about that.
My friends and I had been voluble and slightly eccentric together, but now I was taciturn and all alone. I had screwed everything up. The part that bothered me the most was that I could have prevented it all. I had decided to try drugs and ignored my friends when they asked me to stop, I really didn’t think it was a big deal. They constantly told me that I was changing but I didn’t listen to them, even when they started to alienate me. Deep down I had known that I should stop everything but instead I let it get worse. The misery and regret started to wash over me and I had to fight the urge to get up and grab anything to ease the pain. I reminded myself that I was trying to quit and just turned over. When I had first tried to quit the desire for any type of drug felt incorrigible but it got easier with time. The pictures on my walls smiled at me, reminding me of everything I lost. I turned away again, feeling like I couldn’t win. The clock read 11:11 and I thought of all the times my friends and I had made wishes. I laughed at the idea but softly whispered to myself, “I wish I could go back and just redo this, I won’t screw it up this time.” With that I closed my eyes and drifted off into an uneasy sleep as usual.
I woke up to my alarm clock playing an old song. The sad part was that I remembered it perfectly; I had woken up to it so many times a few months ago. I jumped into the shower and did my usual morning routine. I checked the weather on my computer and it was freakishly warm for February. I shrugged, not really caring, and got dressed. I raced out to the bus stop and I was stepping into the school before I knew it.
“Hey Nikki!” said Megan happily, skipping up to me.
“Hi….” I mumbled back, shocked by her sudden friendliness. Out of all of my former friends she hated me the most; I’d cheated with her boyfriend. “Um, what’s up?”
“Nothing really. Just freaking out about our first history test! It’s gonna be killer!” she said emphatically as always. She was my most outgoing and garrulous friend, just being around her used to instantly take me out of a bad mood. “The first history test? What?” I thought to myself. We’d already taken that, I’d gotten a B- (my highest grade in that class for the entire year) and Megan had gotten a C+. Megan’s ex boyfriend walked up and gave her a hug and kissed her right in front of me. I looked away awkwardly, extremely confused and ashamed. I had no clue that they had gotten back together after everything.
I gave them a quick smile and walked away to my first class. I was getting more genial smiles from old friends, not truculent glares, which caught me off guard. I’d become immune to their piercing glares by then and wore a phlegmatic expression every time. None of my old friends made sardonic comments as I walked by either. Throughout the day I noticed that everything was different. Grace had given me a hug and Katie quickly handed me my geometry homework back, which I had done months ago. Are they playing some kind of prank? I asked myself. I kept trying to figure out what could be going on as I sat laconically as always in my vapid geometry class. When I got home I saw my Dad sitting on the couch staring at a piece of paper. I groaned, wondering if it was my new report card.
“Why aren’t you at work?” I asked him as I set down my bag. He had been unemployed for months and had finally gotten a job; I prayed that he hadn’t been laid off already.
“I just got your phone bill missy,” he said ignoring my question, “and you owe me $200. How the heck did you go thousands of minutes over the limit? You better hand me that phone right now. You’re not getting that thing back for months,” he said forcefully.
“How is that even possible?!” I yelled in disbelief. I didn’t even have friends to talk to!
“Take a look yourself!” he replied, thrusting the paper into my hands. I scanned the page and my jaw dropped, not at the numbers but at the date. “It’s October 6th?” I asked.
“Well no, but-” he asked. I didn’t wait for him to finish and threw down the paper. I ran upstairs and threw open my bedroom door. I rummaged through my sock drawer trying to find the depleted stash of pain killers that I had hidden. I started to hyperventilate. Did my Dad find them or something? Of course not; if my Dad had found drugs I would be under house arrest already. I reached for my diary, my only safe haven for the past few months, but the pages were blank. I looked at the calendar on my wall and my jaw dropped. I walked up to it with shaking hands to see that it was only October 12th. My heart was racing as I realized what must have happened.
I went to school and for the next few weeks reality started to sink in. My friends didn’t hate me, I hadn’t started drinking or doing any drugs and my teachers didn’t give me disapproving looks all the time. Somehow I’d been able to start over and I embraced the chance. I walked away when someone asked if I wanted to smoke weed with them and didn’t give it a second thought. Months ago the novelty of weed had been alluring but now it didn’t matter to me. I refused to go down that detrimental path again.
I lay in bed one night and looked at the clock. I had stayed up until 11 o’clock again, but this time it was because I was talking to my friends. I smiled to myself as the clock turned 11:11. For once my wish had worked, I hadn’t screwed up my life, and finally everything was coming together. I turned over to look at the pictures on my wall again, and this time I smiled back knowing that there were more good times to come. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.