Friday, September 11, 2009

Hope from a Cousin

A Child Called It-David

How I Live Now-Daisy

Setting- California, David's house


Daisy walked in the warm California air, enjoying the difference between New York and California. She longed to be back in England before all of the drama started but she still enjoyed being away and visiting other cousins. She had never met these people and knew very little about them, but they were still family either way. She reached the house and knocked on the door but there was no answer. She stood there for five minutes but still no one answered. There was no car in the driveway either, so she decided to just open the door, and luckily it was unlocked.

She walked around the house yelling, “Is anyone home?” wondering if they remembered that she was visiting. Out from the basement came a frail boy who was even thinner than she was, he looked slightly nervous and approached her slowly.

“Hey, I’m Daisy. Which son are you?” she asked.

“Dave…” he replied quietly.

“Dave?” Daisy questioned, she hadn’t remembered being told about any kid named Dave. She knew about the two sons and the baby but that was all. This boy seemed extremely weird to her, she could sense that something wasn’t right. She eyed the bruises along his arms, he followed her gaze and quickly explained that he fell down the stairs a few days ago and got very banged up. The words flowed out of his mouth so naturally, like it had been rehearsed a thousand times before.

“So where is the rest of your family?” she asked.

“My mom took them to the zoo,” he answered.

“And you didn’t go?”

“No…I didn’t feel up to it and someone had to be home to greet you. I’m just going to stay home and do a few chores…” Dave said.

“I could help if you want…” she offered, still feeling like something was going on.

He looked at her stunned, like no one had ever offered to help him before. “That would be great…but I wouldn’t want my mom to catch you helping. I don’t think she’d want me to make a guest do any work…” he told her. She had no clue what kind of punishments awaited Dave if his mom found out he had any help.

“Well,” she started, examining his thin figure, “how about we have something to eat? I’m starving.” She lied, eating was the last thing she wanted to do.

“I could make you something…” he said obediently. Daisy shook her head and asked him to eat with her, and he eventually agreed.

They made sandwiches and sat down to eat, Dave eyed the sandwich ravenously. Daisy just picked at hers while she watched her newly found cousin devour his. When he finished she handed him the rest of hers and he didn’t protest. He sat back and looked content but still slightly worried. They cleaned up and sat around for awhile. Daisy asked him a few questions but avoided anything about the bruises and his weight seeing as she’d only known him a few hours.

She helped him a little while he did the chores until they heard a car stop in the driveway. He quickly picked up the pace and told her to go and get settled but she knew he was trying to get rid of her. She turned in the doorway and said, “I’m not sure what you’re going through, but no matter what, I know you can make it through this. Take it from someone with experience in terrible times, things will get better someday.” With that she left Dave to himself, with a tiny glimmer of hope from her words.

10 comments:

  1. kaitlin! it's steph, i REALLY like this. what stood out to me most was your descriptive word choice. it's very rich and full of character. keep it up!

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  2. I enjoyed this story. It is believable also. I can picture your story and it seems to fit with what I had in mind with 'A Child Called It'and 'How I Live Now'. I think it is realistic that Dave feels threatened by what his mother does to him. This story made me recal everything I read from 'A Child Called It'and 'How I Live Now'.

    The dialogue seemed authentic. I believe that everything they say fits with the characters. The dialogue was acurately placed throughout the story. The details that made it seem real were the similarities to the stories and the beleivable scenerios. It is highly believable that Dave had many relatives visit him that didn't even know who he was.

    "I’m not sure what you’re going through, but no matter what, I know you can make it through this. Take it from someone with experience in terrible times, things will get better someday.” With that she left Dave to himself, with a tiny glimmer of hope from her words." THis quote is inspiring. It si uplifting because it gives Dave hope. He needs it too. It also helps that Daisy is giving him the hope. She has been through alot so it means more when it comes from her.


    One thing I found distracting with you story was your usage of 5. I'm pickey but I'm just used to people writing out the number five. There are also a few errors in grammar. Other than that I thought your story was just about perfect. I did not pick up on any spelling errors. I also did not question the way you wrote it.

    One thing you might consider, would be your descriptions. THe description of the setting would be helpful. It might help us imagine the setting if we know what it looks like. You could include basic details as one way to help us visualize the settings in your story.

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  4. The story made me feel really sad for the poor boy. I could almost see it in my head the thin fragile boy. I can’t believe that his mother would abuse him so. I feel really bad for the little boy.
    I think you have authentic dialogues. Even the way Dave speaks sounds sad and miserable. What he says really stood out to me. I can almost feel the worriness of Daisy for her newly discovered cousin in her words.
    “She eyed the bruises along his arms, he followed her gaze and quickly explained that he fell down the stairs a few days ago and got very banged up. The words flowed out of his mouth so naturally, like it had been rehearsed a thousand times before.” I can just imagine him standing in front of her, saying these words effortlessly. It can’t believe that his mother would treat him like that.
    I didn’t really pick up any errors in your story. I love it.
    I think that you should describe the setting of the house that the story takes place in. some people might not have read this book and it might help them visualize it more

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  5. Kaitlin, what were you talking about? I love this! I feel so bad for Dave, though. When reading this, I can picture everything that's happening. The story made me think about How I Live Now and I should probably read A Child Called It.

    The dialog definitely seemed authentic. I agree with Anna in that you can tell that Dave seems miserable and troubled.

    Again, I agree with Anna : " She eyed the bruises along his arms, he followed her gaze and quickly explained that he fell down the stairs a few days ago and got very banged up. The words flowed out of his mouth so naturally, like it had been rehearsed a thousand times before." I pictured exactly how he would explain this and felt even worse for him.

    I honestly didn't find anything incorrect or distracting.

    More details about the setting would be nice and helpful. I think Becca's right, there should be more.

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  6. I thought this story was very carefully thought out and heartwarming. I felt very good after reading it. I specifically remembered when Daisy made her and David sandwitches, and David practically ate both of them. The image in my head when reading this story was of a small, scrawny boy who is bone thin and all bruised up. I didn't read the book, 'A Child Called It,' but that's the visual that i'm getting just by reading your story.

    I think that the conversations between the two characters was very realistic and natural. I haven't read either of those books, but I can tell that they still sound like they should. I like how Daisy was being very suddle when trying t help David, and that David didn't really notice that until later on. But the dialogue was great, and The way that the characters interacted was good too. They were all very real and authentic.

    My favorite part of the story was, "The words flowed out of his mouth so naturally, like it had been rehearsed a thousand times before." I like that line because I felt like I heard him actually saying it when I was reading the story. I think this line means that the words that came out of his mouth weren't his words, like someone told him to say that. Probably the person who actually hurt and starves him. That person is most likely his mother.

    I found a few errors in this story. The errors are that The should be She, 5 should be spelled out (because any number under 10 should be spelled out!), and some other grammar-related things. I thought everything else was fabulous, and if you could just fix those little mistakes. Otherwise I didn't find any other problems. I think that you would have a higher score on this story if those mistakes were revised.

    One piece of advice that I have for you is to maybe describe Daisy a little more. I have the full idea of what David looks like, and his life. But I have no idea what Daisy looks like. I know that she has a very caring and generous personality because of what she did to help David, but what does she look like, how old is she, etc. It is only a suggestion, and I know that your story would still be perfectly fine without it.

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  7. I really liked your story. I think it really did a good job of showing the personalities of the two characters. Also the story line was very well done and well thought out. I could imagine this happening in either story. It was interesting to read, and to a reader who hadn't read either book, it would most likely make them wonder about David's situation. Overall it was very good.

    I believed that the conversations between the two characters really did seem authentic and realistic. The conversations displayed their personalities very well. Also the conversations seemed to flow naturally with each story. Another thing was that the conversation showed a little bit about how Dave looked from another person's view and how it looked when he was left all alone.

    My favorite quote of this story was "With that she left Dave to himself, with a tiny glimmer of hope from her words." This was because this showed how Dave was affected by Daisy's words, and how he appreciated that he cared for him. Also I found that what Daisy told him was really heartwarming, expecially after reading about David's situation. That is why that is my favorite quote in your story.

    It would help if you could explain a little more about the situation. For example, the reason why Daisy had no relationship with her relatives before she came to visit . It would also help the reader out if maybe you could explain more of Daisy's character. This story made me wonder about what kind of person she was, and if she had gone through any bad situations. That is what I think could help out with your story a little bit more.

    My final piece of advice for you is give a little better explanation of Daisy's opinions and assumptions about the situation. For example, what did she assume when she found that Dave had been left alone, and he was covered in bruises? Or, when Dave ate his food like it was his last meal, and she saw that he had a weight problem, what did she assume was going on? I believe that would help make the story a little more interesting. But overall I felt that this was a really great story.

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  8. I thought your essay was really good. I thought your story line was plausible. I read 'A Child Called It' as well, and I thought you did a good job of making Dave act like he did in the book.

    The idea of Dave's mother taking Dave's brothers to the zoo and not him made the story seem realistic to me, because I remember times during the book when his mother would take the family places and leave him behind. I also remember circumstances where Dave would get in trouble for accepting help on his chores, so I thought that seemed very realistic as well.

    I thought you did a great job with your writing and choice of words. I like your use of the word "ravenously." I found your story very descriptive and easy to picture.

    I found no real mistakes in your story. There were no mis-spelled words or anything like that. I only found a few typos that could easily be corrected with proof-reading.

    All in all, I thought your essay was good. Perhaps you could have added some more details about your characters, though. I didn't read 'How I Live Now," and personally, I would have found it helpful to know a little bit more about Daisy. But you did a great job, Kaitlin!

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  9. as i was reading your story i could totaly picture what was going on. from the setting to the convesation. i loved it.

    the conversation between the two characters seemed authentic. it was like i was right there with them it was so real.

    the part of the story that stood out to me was-“I’m not sure what you’re going through, but no matter what, I know you can make it through this. Take it from someone with experience in terrible times, things will get better someday.” With that she left Dave to himself, with a tiny glimmer of hope from her words.-i'm not sure why but it does.

    i found no mistakes or anything spelt wrong. it looks good.

    i thought you could have descibed the characters a little more. but other that that great job.

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  10. I like this story a lot, VERY well done, to tell you the truth i can't really find any mistakes. I like the way it is written, it has a certain flow to it. maybe some of the characters could have a little bit more personality, and maybe a few more descriptive words could be put to use.

    I thought that Dave's mother taking his brothers to the zoo sounded like something that would actually happen in the book. Very well done. Also the fact that dave recited what happened to him to get the bruises, and how he was hesitant about having someone help him with his chores. Also how he ate very fast, and ate a lot.

    Great story Kaitlin, i liked it.

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